Got full marks for my prac today!! Thanks entirely to Dave. My soul, don't know what the hell i would've done if it weren't for him last night. Anyway, it sucks that he just gives me shit any time i want to genuinly tell him how grateful i was. I mean, he had to work this morning AND he's still getting better AND he really had better things to do with time than help me. But he did. and it just made the whole thing bearable and i would've taken AGES otherwise because i just wasn't focussed. Couldn't focus. same thing today. somehow it just hurts too much. I just walked out of my test today because i couldn't take it any more. Fortunately Nikitah and Enrique afterwards were there too and that helped.

 

I have to destoke. Dave might be coming. And if he does then i must be totally destoked by the time he arrives. but fuck would that be good, truth be told. To just so much as touch him again would truly be incredible. So much has just happened between us and it's so shitty that we can't physically be with each other to experience it fully. But it really is just so much more bearable with Skype. I think that's the only way I'm surviving.

 

 

 

That aside, i'm fucking sore and really should sleep. Harv messaged again. Hmmmm....

that's all i have to say about that. Yay. I can sleep feeling good. And that is awesome. Hope it's the same in London.

Take today, when i was so sick this morning, he came online and i kid you not, I was just so so relieved that this feeling of calm just came over me instantly. and he checked up on me all day long and it was just the coolest thing. It reminded me why i'm in this. Because he's Dave. And i see something in Dave that even he himself manages to hide pretty well sometimes. But I see something special and I like it. I like us. I like how we are. I just hope i'm making him feel good, cos that's the point ultimately. No use in me feeling good if i can't do the same for him. And i sitll just don't know what i really mean to him. his sms that night confused me. he said "he wants to look into my eyes and tell me exactly what i mean to him". ??? oh well, I'm always feeling good so that's a great thing. The times i'm not feeling good he fixes pretty quickly if they were his fault. Well i generally feel good but i feel even better when he's being cool and not full of shit. Fuck, this has been an ego inflation entry if ever there was. Kinda had to make up for my rant in the previous entry i guess. Ya, so i'd better not delete this lest i start losing perspective. that wouldn't be good. Fortunately I forget bad things, so it's cool. Shit, i really must sleep now. oh ya, saw certain people at varsity on friday. My point was made even clearer, I think I have my answer to the question i don't know his answer to. whatever that may in actual fact be. I'm talking shit now cos i'm wasted. Emotion sickness indeed.

Just got off skype. I decided this really sucks today. He's not coming any more. I wansn't stoked, but I suppose i did hope to see him. Which sucks, we all know how much I hate looking forward to something and then being told it's not going to happen. But I did avoid that extreme disappointment by staying chilled about the whole thing so it's cool. And he sent me the mp3's he said he would, so that was cool too. He does actually do stuff he says he's going to most of the time. hmmm...fuck, whatever. I don't like what he calls me even if it is in a joking way, and only because I know he'll call me that in a non joking way too because i've heard how easily he'll call other people that. Well at least he was joking, that's still fine of course, it's when he's not joking that it'll matter. i feel so shit right now i actually don't know what to do with myself and it's really really seldom that'll i'll admit to that. really seldom. usually it means i'm due in casulty, but it's not that bad this time...dah. I'm just sore everywhere and pissed off at the same time and that is what sucks. ian was being really random today. Maybe i wouldn't mind if i wasn't with Dave but somehow i really couldn't be arsed to care about whether a guy's hot or not, nice or not, my type or not, cool or not, i really don't give  a fuck. I'm literally just there to study. it's the same everywhere, i really don't care about the guys i would've before.

 

You know what i would like? a fucken goodnight sms from Dave, that would make my night each night, but he couldn't be bothered because he just spoke to me. WHich makes sense, but to just send a nice message that's not expected every now and then wouldn't break his fucking bank. oh well. still not sure what was meant to be different between pre his getting pissed and talking shit night and post it. But whatever, i'm too busy to care really. As long as i still like him, he stays. got more time to consider my hypothesis since he's not coming this week. That's a good thing at least.

Saw Richard tonight. Had supper at Ciao Baby and then coffee at Seattle, which of course killed him...lol since he works at the bookshop. I was a bit of a toss in seeming all secretive to Dave without really realising it would upset him. Didn't think it phased him. Guess it does. Well at least he cares I suppose, that's one way of looking at it. Though he'd better not use the same line of argument with me because I don't really care who he is with but that doesn't mean I don't care about him. I just don't feel the emotion jealousy. I consider this to be one of the greatest gifts God gave me because it makes my life rather pleasant. I think it's probably because I don't fear anything like him cheating on me or whatever jealousy springs from. Firstly because I know he won't and secondly because I know we have something special. I guess I just know the reasons why I wouldn't cheat on him and assume the same is going on from his side or my reasons wouldn't exist, just because I know that's how my intuition functions. I really need to see him though in order to clarify my conclusion to the Great "Just for fun" hypothesis. But it still needs a little more work. I am amazed at what is going on here. I'm not too puke happy because he still pisses me off. I think that this is what makes this something special. I know that sounds bizarre, but you know the whole 'too good to be true' cliche which i truly value. When something is too good to be true, it is just that - untrue. When something is so incredibly good, but there are things to ground it, then it is something worth noting. Take us. We make each other happy. But we argue sometimes, which is good because we get to see how we think and how we function in an angry or frustrated situation. We are happy, but we are also incredibly sad because we can't see each other. These things keep things grounded and thus make sure that nothing is too good to be true. Take Gavin. That was too good to be true. It was puke happy crap. And? it was not true. I got irritated with the boy after all of a few weeks. I just wish Dave would say what he wants to say when he thinks it when it comes to 'nice' things or meaningful things should i say. Things that would mean something to me are things that he still struggles to say. But I guess time is what makes people comfortable with each other. But I need to know how he feels etc before I reach a conclusion with my hypothesis. and i guess i have internally reached a conclusion but it needs affirmation from him. Except he doesn't know this. And I don't even know what that affirmation would be exactly, I just know that i don't have it. If that makes any sense.

But him not even bothering to ask how i was feeling this morning sure as fuck did not help. I asked him and he had lots of time to tell me all about him, but as soon as i mentioned , rather crudely i admit, that 'ya, I'm fine too', he suddenly uses 'i was fucken busy and stressed out' as a reason for not having time to ask how i was. And then proceeded to try and let me know that he does care which of course i was not particularly partial to hearing. Only because I felt like death warmed up last night and he knew that. But whatever. I'm over it. and i think i know what happened anyway. I remember Dusan shitting all over me once for not asking how he was and I genuinly did of course care because i was ALWAYS asking him how he was feeling etc etc because that's just what i do. but for some reason i hadn't in that particular conversation but only because he asked me something and there was quite a lengthy answer to his question and i was all preoccupied with that.I  can only assume that's why Dave didn't ask this morning. normally i wouldn't care, but i'm really trying to see what i actually mean to him in order to answer my hypothesis relating to him. because i've always had it wrong. I always thought i meant nothing to him really, but i was proven wrong so i'm just trying to see if i'm letting myself into another Dusan relationship or not because he's already told me he's a selfish person but he really does seem to put me first in his life which is really confusing me. well everything i do revolves around him really , it's just how it is, i want him to be happy. He's my chosen person so all my energy now goes into making him happy, that's just how it works with me, but i guess that's why i want to be with someone who cares about me. As long as my mother sees that he cares for me, that's all that'll make her happy and then that'll make things pleasant in the long run. Because if my mother just gets the slightest incling , and she's sharp, that a guy does not care about me, then it's just doomed. if my family doesn't like him,he goes. invariably, I fought them on Dusan for three and a half fucking years because i was convinced i could prove them all wrong, but where did that get me? Well she like the fact that he packed me a picnic that once. A small thing, but it says a lot. And my family look at small things that mean something, not diamonds and jewellery so to speak. They really did not like it when he refused to say where he was staying in London. Geez, i would never have thought that would intrigue them so much. They were livid, thinking he's all dodgy or something now just because of that. So i had to seriously give counter arguments to bring his status back up. Bloody irritating because I don't even know why he did that. Well i do, he was just being full of shit. but try explain that to them. lol. well if he flies up to see me that'll silence them all forever. That would be a nice easy way of showing them all that he makes me happy.

 

What a bizarre tangent i just went on. wow, fuck whatever. I really need to sleep but i seem to be quite missing this boy. fuckit. hmmmm...wonder if i'll be seeing him.my lips are dry. random. wonder how tom is. random . Oh and Harv is pissing me off again. fuck.

 

 

I have flashbacks of Tom's Mission: 224. Dave is apparently going to embark on a "fix things" mission so I can see if i'll continue this. Noone's ever done that for me. I guess that's because I usually just forgive and forget a little too quickly and often land up getting walked all over as a result. Well I decided i'm not going be devalued ever again after Dusan and that's why I wanted a proper explanation out of him for what he said. He gave me the best one I think he could so that's why I left it at that. In fact, with Dusan (hate comparisons,but it's in context here) it was always me having to do the fix up thing for some or other fucked up reason, never him doing anything to actually make ME feel worth while. Actually I'm really impressed Dave seems to care. I thought he didn't after he said he would rather let me go than know he's making me unhappy. That statement of course just made the whole thing even worse because I saw how little effort he was prepared to put into fixing his fuck up. He'd rather just "let me go" than know he makes me unhappy. Whatever. Well he saw another solution in the end and that  is to supposedly spend the next few days convincing me that he cares or whatever the fuck he's going to try and do, guess I'll see. In the mean time, i'm not going to be all strange, it's not in me to stay upset. this period of staying upset is probably the longest i've stayed upset at someone in years and years. And that was only because it happened when he was drunk and it was "concluded" when he was drunk so i ended up waking up this morning still feeling shit because i realised the conclusion was completely and utterly nullified by the fact that he was still drunk. So it was a really false sense of closure I obviously felt last night. But that's just because I hate drunk people so much. Yes, don't ask me why I'm giving him a second chance. I actually don't have an answer for that other than that I would miss him. But I'd get over it and move on pretty quickly i guess since a particular person has smsed twice and another particular person's in my class now etc. So that argument doesn't hold. I guess it's the fucking neon sign thing. can't bloody escape it can we? Fuck, whatever. I'm not sure how he's planning on doing this, he doesn't even know what actually makes me happy. He hardly ever says anything nice about me, my friends pay me more meaningful compliments than my own "boyfriend" and he nearly choked at the idea of something so small as a really short actual letter. though he did mention sending me a postcard which would be really cool. But he was drunk at the time so he probably won't remember any of that. I got the most unmeaningful sms for the day on Valentine's day from...wait for it...my actual boyfriend. The smses i got from other guys were more meaningful. So all in all, I'm just not sure how he's going to do this. But whatever, I have a life to carry on with so I'll just have to wait and see. All i really want is to know he cares and that he values me for who and what I am. That's it really. I must go eat. nummy.

Ok that is very much that. I really really REALLY fucking hate this. why the fuck am i dating a guy who says PROBABLY and NOT REALLY before and after every FUCKING statement??why the fuck i bother i do not know. it's not as if he has to worry that i get fuck drunk so why the hell should he be concerned about anything? well that's just it. He has nothing to worry about so why care about what i think about his shit answers. he doesn't. Fuck it. I must not do anything irrational, i was really happy up until tonight. Fuck,he doesn't actually deserve my energy if that's how he's going to be so i'm not even going to upaset myself any further. Life is good without him in any case, i certainly don't NEED him and would only be with him if i WANTED him, if he adds something. He was adding something til tonight. Odd that he should suddenly be taking away. I had a great day until he came online. I"m sure it's meant to be that i continue having a great day while chatting to my boyfriend. In fact, i was just telling someone off before he came online who actually DOES like me and DOES appreciate me. there are a lot of people that i've found out actually like ma and who are really good to me. Why should i waste my time with an asshole?

Went out with the guys tonight. Well it was just Ralph and Konrad in the end so it was cool. Saw "The Prestige" which was a really good movie actually. Didn't expect much. Perhaps that is why it was good. I've come to realise that in one sense we should in particular situations expect nothing such that we are not disappointed. Works for me anyway. Dave is unavailable. I feel a bit shit cos my stupid phone battery died and he sent a message at 8 something, but I only got back to him a few minutes ago. Only got it just now when i put my phone on charge. I officially have the coolest room...green lit bathroom and blue lit room...so cheesy but so fucken cool! Just wait til it's tidy and my mist maker is back on....

 

Would kinda like to speak to my boyfriend sometime soon. Classic thing happened today at varsity. This stoopid JCP subject we have to do is a community project of some description which we choose and we have to spend 40 hours on it or something. It's a group thing and my group is thus far Enrique, Rob, Nikitah and myself. So Enrique and Rob want to do the easiest which they seem to think is the Sci-Enza one which involves looking after the kids that visit the Discovery Centre. So i was all up for that one and spent vast amounts of energy convincing Nikitah that this was the right project cos it was simple and we have more than enough on our plates....until the dates arrived. 1-4 APril....at which point i'm like "Um, that SPCA website is so looking appealing right now...."lol. Because that happens to be the only time I could possibly see Dave in the near future, fuck. So i sincerely hope we can convince the 2 guys that helping little puppies with a little website is just the coolest thing out. Whatever.

 

Dave went for drinks with his mates tonight and mentioned that he probably shouldn't sms me because he'll be drinking. Which seriously rang instant alarm bells which hadn't rung before. I forgot he was the drinker, get pissed type. Fuck. Well he said i have nothing to worry about so worry I shall not. Too much energy to worry about what the fuck he's doing when I have more than enough to worry about with what I"M doing. It's moments like that where I'm glad I don't feel jealousy. It's liberating to genuinly not be concerned over what the fuck he may be doing. Well it's not that I don't care, it's that I seem to implicitly trust him. Don't ask me to explain it but I just do. It's imperative in an inter-continental relationship really. Hope he feels he can trust me. He must sometimes wonder, what with me being with guys all day. But he's with chics too so it's all good. It's a matter of knowing that if I wanted to be with any of the guys I would've been with them by now.

 

Started training Tequila today to not come in my room and to not go out the gate. He's an intelligent dog, that's for sure. Bought him biscuits for tit-bits. Fuck can I talk shit when it's late and I"m tired and I have a book of C++ to do and 3 chapters of operating systems and a C++ prac from the devil and an impending operating systems prac in C++ also from the devil and a KOB assignment and a GGY assignment....grunt.ooh, let me go to sleep and think of it all tomorrow! Happy Saturday!! not.

 

Fuck man, Dave's asleep now. Or pissed off at me, either one. Both of which suck. Fuck fuck fuck. I swear too much, it's terrible.  

Somehow it just feels so shit when it goes silent. The silence seems to echo. Like it's reflecting the emptiness associated with pressing the red button. I wasn't particularly phased when donovan chatted to me. Nor when i saw him. There's something peaceful about being where i am right now. I'm at peace in some sort of twisted way. Restless because Avalon is here sometimes, but Dave is there. Stuart emailed and chatted a bit tonight. He's quit his job and is writing which i think is awesome because it's what he enjoys. My earphones are still on my head bloody hell. It's that silent period after the calls ends where i just sit and stare at the screen and don't move for a few seconds. i must really get to sleep, i'm totally fucked now and this is not a good way to start the semester. I cannot screw this prac up. at least i'm happier now. When one is happy one is productive. That's just how it works. That's why I don't want Dave to stay in London if he's going to be unhappy for whatever reasons because he'll just be upset all the time and won't be as productive as he could be if he was in an environment that he truly liked. He seemed always so at ease around Cyest and it just doesn't sound like it's the same situation there. But i'm not in a position to be able to tell accurately and I certainly would never tell him to stay or go or whatever. that's his and his decision alone. All about pros and cons I guess. A random thought of Harv...FUCK. I really become enraged at the thought of him sometimes, it's crazy. I wish it was indifference.

 

Enter sandman. 

Dondon started a chat with me tonight which was quite interesing. Apparently the C++ first prac they had to do, since he'd failed the course (at this point i'd like to add that Dondon is in fact a fucken genius), was even worse than this one. Anyway, it was bizarre to see him today. Don't ask me why. That was quite an amusing fascination i went through i must say. Fell flat on my face for him 3 or so months ago and it didn't really subside all too quickly. He created two incredible websites, truly brilliant. Well that's all i have to say about that. I've been speaking to Avalon since 9pm...lol. we sort of just carry on with life but just attached to a laptop and mic. It's funny to run off and get my ice cream and nesquick etc and then come back, carry on chatting...brush teeth and change, carry on chatting. It makes it better somehow. Don't know what we'd do without skype. I don't know how i did long-distance before, i was crazy. I remember saturday was the day Jean would call, around 2pm and it could only be ten minutes. Now we can just sit and skype away...until the fucking bandwidth runs out of course. Oh well, shit happens. He's chatting to Dusan now. lol, noone suspects a thing!smug satisfaction....until someone does!

 

Have SO much to do...textbooks, do my room, do that fucking prac, fuck fuck FUCK! and i have to see people left right and bloody centre and there just aren't enough fucking days in the week!and oh my sould did Dave piss me off today, wow. anyway, i got over it when he bloody clarified...why the fuck he can't just say "i miss you" instead of taking seven lines to eventually say it, i really don't know.

 

I have to work so hard this semester it's not even funny. The long distance thing has it's advantages at least in that sense. He mentioned me going over on the 28th March for my recess and i didn't sound too thrilled at the prospect, but it wasn't that at all really. I would love to see him but just found myself checking whether i'd need to be working or not. a good thing i'd say, means i'm becoming a little more diligent.

 

Have to sort out my module clash. I was going to take this cool multimedia subject but it clashed with GGY so now i may have to take bloody KOB which is "advanced business communication"...woo fucken hoo. I just sat in that bloody lecture thinking that i simply could not conceive that i had to be there. I don't mean to downplay it or anything but in engineering we did a subject exactly like that one - presentation and all. we had to research and give a business plan for improved utilisation of nitinol in the robotics industry. It was hardcore...and we klapped a disctinction.

Yay!  I had supper and coffee with other Arch-Loser tonight. She messaged out of the blue to ask if i wanted to do coffee. Felt really shit because I'd told about three or four other people I couldn't see them tonight. But i was planning on doing my bloody room and working tonight. Then i did my stoopid C++ prac til like seven thirty tonight with Nikitah, my life saviour, and decided fuck that, i'm going to supper with Loser because i was hungry. So i did just that. It was so awesome to catch up on old times. Shit did we do some crazy shit.

 

I have a boyfriend. ha ha. Isn't that funny? So much for my man strike. Spoke for like an hour tonight and last night. It's amazing what hearing someone's voice can do. It makes such a difference to things. Suddenly i fucken missed him. I could just sit and listen to his voice for ages, it's pathetic, wtf?? Ok it's not pathetic, i just have to maintain hardcoreness and it's simply not working. and these f=ing mosquitos are driving me INSANE!!!! anyway, as i was saying...i may as well give up on the whole denial crap and just realise that i'm happy and just deal with, there's nothing wrong with being satisfied after all. which i feel i am after running into rudolf this morning and him asking for my number. hmmm...my point is that I wasn't phased. Ran into James too and Ralf and Dondon was in class...that was the true test, i knew it would be. Fuck did i fall for that boy. But he's too much of a boy it seems. ANyway,it seems i'm over them all. Odd that rudolf should ask for my number now though. Anyway, it made me see that i made the right decision last night. Well i only realised that after Dave fucken finally messaged ths morning. He messaged a bit after i ran into nua(rudolf, aka, operation noticed you around). Also saw operation Blue eyes this morning walking along the street. My decision was truly tested this morning that's for fuck sure. Nearly had an accident when it dawned on me that i was staring at him, but not feeling anything really. well that only dawned on me in retrospect.  it's habit to look when he walks past, but there was no emotion this time. which i found comforting. When i make a big decision like last night's kind of was, to a small degree, then i like to know that i was correct.

 

I was correct. I like speaking to Dave, i like laughing with him, i like our stupid little arguments and i like thinking about our seven bubbles. I still look into them. Every day at the office at around 4 or 5 i think about him and it feels so shit that he's not there. i wish we'd started our thing so much earlier. But i suppose it was God-incidence either way so whatever. it is how it is and it was how it was so it is just to be dealt with like it is for what it was. lol, that was a complex sentence!

 

I must sleep. I shall sleep well now i think. Tomorrow he meets with his director dude to see what's potting. I wonder. Fuck he must just come back soon.

 

i'm tired.