Christine 的个人资料Post Engineering Chillqu...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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Post Engineering Chillqueen6月2日 I fucking love Dave.I love Dave,i love Dave,i fucking LOVE dave. I don't know what to do about this,but i love him and that's all i know. I cannot fucking live without him. I don't want to,i don't fucking want to. I don't CARE if i sound like a petulant child but I DON'T WANT TO. I know i can't just let jeremy go so fast,but how do i let Dave go? every time i chat to jem it reminds me of how dave and i started. and i want to cry every 5 mintues. he fucked up though. he fucked up. I can't forget that right now. Maybe i will in 4 months time but i can't forget that right now. right now, i see my soulmate of 9 years wanting to be with me for the rest of his life..knowing that before i've even said yes to him, and me thinking that i simply HAVE to at least give it a TRY. Even though i don't feel it right now,i know i used to feel it and timing can't help but tell me that i need to give it a try as hard as it is to let dave go. If he really loves me so dam much then he'll fucking wait a bit since he fucked it up to start with.
But as gorgeous as jem is meant to be,and as perfect as jem is meant to be and as fucking awesome as jem and chris are MEANT to be, i DON'T FEEL IT. i only think of dave. i only want dave. i just want DAVE. But i can't have him. I must let go for now. I can't hold onto someone who i managed to feel pressured. I simply won't do it. Yes, that is it. I cannot stick around. Dave will never understand. or maybe he will,i don't know. But he'll probably be fucking some chic in argentina by the time it dawns on him, by which time it will be too late,because i could never have him after he's been with someone else. never. So basically, i just HAVE to get over him.
But is jem my soulmate? He thinks so and i've always thought so...before dave. It's like Dave and i simply can't be apart. It just doesn't work. he's the only person i can't let go of. After breaking up with someone i normally just move on. And i don't care what psychologists and whoever the fuck else say, it's not JUST because he's familiar and we lived together and blah blah blah....i could fucking get over him if i wanted to. easily. But i don't want to. I don't fucking want to. And jeremy is coming here and i don't know what to do.
But i just need to study. i can't fuck this up. not now. I can get through this,i know i can. 2月26日 DestokeGot full marks for my prac today!! Thanks entirely to Dave. My soul, don't know what the hell i would've done if it weren't for him last night. Anyway, it sucks that he just gives me shit any time i want to genuinly tell him how grateful i was. I mean, he had to work this morning AND he's still getting better AND he really had better things to do with time than help me. But he did. and it just made the whole thing bearable and i would've taken AGES otherwise because i just wasn't focussed. Couldn't focus. same thing today. somehow it just hurts too much. I just walked out of my test today because i couldn't take it any more. Fortunately Nikitah and Enrique afterwards were there too and that helped.
I have to destoke. Dave might be coming. And if he does then i must be totally destoked by the time he arrives. but fuck would that be good, truth be told. To just so much as touch him again would truly be incredible. So much has just happened between us and it's so shitty that we can't physically be with each other to experience it fully. But it really is just so much more bearable with Skype. I think that's the only way I'm surviving.
That aside, i'm fucking sore and really should sleep. Harv messaged again. Hmmmm.... 2月25日 yaythat's all i have to say about that. Yay. I can sleep feeling good. And that is awesome. Hope it's the same in London. emotion sicknessTake today, when i was so sick this morning, he came online and i kid you not, I was just so so relieved that this feeling of calm just came over me instantly. and he checked up on me all day long and it was just the coolest thing. It reminded me why i'm in this. Because he's Dave. And i see something in Dave that even he himself manages to hide pretty well sometimes. But I see something special and I like it. I like us. I like how we are. I just hope i'm making him feel good, cos that's the point ultimately. No use in me feeling good if i can't do the same for him. And i sitll just don't know what i really mean to him. his sms that night confused me. he said "he wants to look into my eyes and tell me exactly what i mean to him". ??? oh well, I'm always feeling good so that's a great thing. The times i'm not feeling good he fixes pretty quickly if they were his fault. Well i generally feel good but i feel even better when he's being cool and not full of shit. Fuck, this has been an ego inflation entry if ever there was. Kinda had to make up for my rant in the previous entry i guess. Ya, so i'd better not delete this lest i start losing perspective. that wouldn't be good. Fortunately I forget bad things, so it's cool. Shit, i really must sleep now. oh ya, saw certain people at varsity on friday. My point was made even clearer, I think I have my answer to the question i don't know his answer to. whatever that may in actual fact be. I'm talking shit now cos i'm wasted. Emotion sickness indeed. 2月21日 Drip drip drip.grunt.Just got off skype. I decided this really sucks today. He's not coming any more. I wansn't stoked, but I suppose i did hope to see him. Which sucks, we all know how much I hate looking forward to something and then being told it's not going to happen. But I did avoid that extreme disappointment by staying chilled about the whole thing so it's cool. And he sent me the mp3's he said he would, so that was cool too. He does actually do stuff he says he's going to most of the time. hmmm...fuck, whatever. I don't like what he calls me even if it is in a joking way, and only because I know he'll call me that in a non joking way too because i've heard how easily he'll call other people that. Well at least he was joking, that's still fine of course, it's when he's not joking that it'll matter. i feel so shit right now i actually don't know what to do with myself and it's really really seldom that'll i'll admit to that. really seldom. usually it means i'm due in casulty, but it's not that bad this time...dah. I'm just sore everywhere and pissed off at the same time and that is what sucks. ian was being really random today. Maybe i wouldn't mind if i wasn't with Dave but somehow i really couldn't be arsed to care about whether a guy's hot or not, nice or not, my type or not, cool or not, i really don't give a fuck. I'm literally just there to study. it's the same everywhere, i really don't care about the guys i would've before.
You know what i would like? a fucken goodnight sms from Dave, that would make my night each night, but he couldn't be bothered because he just spoke to me. WHich makes sense, but to just send a nice message that's not expected every now and then wouldn't break his fucking bank. oh well. still not sure what was meant to be different between pre his getting pissed and talking shit night and post it. But whatever, i'm too busy to care really. As long as i still like him, he stays. got more time to consider my hypothesis since he's not coming this week. That's a good thing at least. |
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